Hell
by Alec Star
Summary: AU fic set post 'Bargaining', Buffy's life after her resurrection. What if she really had been in Hell?
1. Hell

Disclaimer: As you probably already know these characters and concepts don't belong to me, I'm just borrowing them for a while (without permission) and I promise to put them back where I found them once I'm done playing with them... oh, yes, and I'm not making any money out of this.  
  
Warning: A totally AU fic. set post _Bargaining_, Buffy's life after her resurrection. What if she had really been in Hell? Some readers may find this story objectionable/disturbing. We **_are_** talking Hell here.  
  
~*~  
  
Hell  
Author: Alec Star  
  
She woke up, trying to keep the scream that was burning her throat from escaping. She had been trying to avoid sleep as much as possible but it wasn't really working. Her body --her **_living_** body-- demanded sleep and with sleep came the dreams. She could have handled them if they had been just that, but the problem was that they were more than mere dreams. They were memories from her time in Hell.   
  
She had only been back for a couple of days and already she felt like she was losing her mind. The demands of life were more than she could handle. Her friends wanted her to be happy, they wanted it so damn bad that more often than not she ended up comforting them and feeling guilty because she wasn't getting any better. They had done so much to save her that she owed them that much, but the memory of the pain was still too fresh, too raw and it was drowning her.   
  
At times she felt so lost, like the lines between both dimensions were shifting and she could no longer tell where she was. That was the worst part, but there was no way she could hope to express that with words, even if the others had been ready to hear her, which they weren't. They just wanted her to forget, so she pasted on a fake smile and prayed that when the dreams came she would be able to swallow her cries together with her pain and her fear so that her friends --her family-- could rest in peace.


	2. Fear, Trust and Affection

Part 2 (Giles POV)  
  
She tried to hide her fear when I first approached her, but I saw it. I hesitated for a moment before coming near her, giving her ample time to get away from me, but she didn't. I can see she is not the same girl who jumped off that tower... she is broken and I don't know how to begin putting her back together again. I have a million questions I want to ask her but I know the time for that hasn't come yet. She is incredibly fragile right now and I will have to tread carefully. I've made more than my fair share of mistakes in my years as her watcher and she has always forgiven me, but I realize that right now I really can't afford one.  
  
I know that if Willow is right --if she truly was in Hell-- then the damage will almost certainly run deeper than anything we could possibly begin to comprehend... and yet we will have to see her thru, knowing that there can be no help and that --at least until she can manage to tell us about it-- we will be going in blind, risking making things worse in stead of better at every turn. While I hold her I vow that I will do everything within my power to help her make it back... to help her crawl out of the Hell she is still trapped in.  
  
***  
  
I'm afraid to move, unwilling to run the risk of disturbing my slayer's sleep. She is so tired and for once she seems to be at peace.  
  
I have been watching her for the past couple of days and in doing so I have grown even more concerned. She is clingy --there is no other word to describe it-- and that is so unlike her that it terrifies me, but somehow I know that there is something else, something darker, something I can't quite understand. I have seen how she freezes whenever I enter the room --almost as if she were afraid of me-- then she approaches me hesitantly, hugs me tight and refuses to let go. I know her sleep is plagued by nightmares unless I stay with her and while I am moved by the depth of her trust, I am also profoundly worried by the whole situation.   
  
I am well aware that this is so only with me. Her reactions are different when she is faced with the others. With the girls and with Xander it is almost as if she were terrified of letting them out of her sight but she is not afraid of them, she doesn't seem to need their constant touch to reassure herself that everything is fine... and yet it is her reaction to Spike's presence that I find to be the strangest one of all: With Spike she is almost herself.  
  
I hate my inability to help her. I know she is slipping away from us, losing her will to fight with every passing day and there's nothing I can do to prevent it. I realize that it's time for me to ask for help... and there is only one man --one creature-- that can possibly understand what she is going through: Angel.  
  
***  
  
I am caught totally off guard by her reaction to Angel's presence --by her undiluted fear-- and yet I can't help but notice that Angel himself is not surprised. It is almost as if he had been expecting her to react this way. That doesn't mean I cannot see the hurt in the vampire's face. It's as if his fears were being confirmed and I'm somewhat relieved by his acceptance of Buffy's reaction... at least he hasn't made any further move to approach her, giving me an opportunity to try to calm her down. I see him step away instead but I can't wonder about his reasons, not now. Now I'm too busy trying to soothe Buffy. She is breathing hard, with her face burrowed in my shirt and her eyes shut tight... and there is no way I could **_not_** feel her trembling in my arms.  
  
I see the look Angel shoots Spike, asking him to follow him out of the room. For a moment I wish I could go with them... Angel has the answers I need and yet I know that my slayer needs me and there is no way I could possibly leave her alone right now.  
  
***  
  
Once I'm sure Buffy is asleep I ask Dawn to stay with her and I go looking for Spike. I don't like letting her out of my sight, not even for a moment --I guess Buffy is not the only one who is feeling more than a little clingy right now-- but I know that if I am to help her this conversation can't be postponed and I cannot run the risk of having her wake up in the middle of it.  
  
I find Spike waiting for me in the basement as I knew I would. He looks serious --almost subdued-- and he's trademark cockiness is gone.  
  
"Angel left a while ago." He tells me and I nod. The sun is about to rise and he obviously couldn't afford to take any chances with that... not to mention the obvious fact that his presence wasn't helping.  
  
"Does he know what happened to her? Did he tell you anything?" I press.  
  
"Yes. He has a theory as to what she's been through, but you won't like it."  
  
"Yes, well, I realized that from the moment I saw her but this is not about me."  
  
"It is about you," he tells me cryptically, "more than you know."  
  
"Would you quit stalling?" I say, trying to keep my anger in check.  
  
"Are you sure you won't be tempted to shoot the messenger? Well, shoot is fine as long as you don't decide to stake the messenger."  
  
"What happened up there? Angel seemed to understand her fear."  
  
"That he did, mate. He's been there, done that... spent an eternity trapped in that place."  
  
"So?"  
  
"You see, torture is just a tiny part of it, you can get used to it. That's not what makes Hell hell."  
  
"Then what is it?" I ask, not entirely sure I can deal with the answer.  
  
"That place plays with your memories, it twists them. The poof says that chances are that right now the slayer can't really tell here from there."  
  
"What do you mean by 'it twists your memories'?"  
  
"I mean that your friends become your enemies, they turn against you, they hurt you. As far as you can tell they are the ones doing the torturing and soon there are no safe places left in your mind any more. You have nowhere to hide and you lose yourself."  
  
I try to process that information. I guess it makes sense but right now I'm too busy trying to keep my nausea at bay to approach this rationally. If that's what Buffy went through, if in Buffy's mind Angel was the one hurting her then her reaction to his presence would be perfectly understandable... but Angel wouldn't be the only one to trigger her fear. No, there has to be a different explanation.  
  
"Angel is wrong." I blurt out, trying to hang on to my denial.  
  
"How do you figure?"  
  
"Because her reactions to the rest of us wouldn't make sense if that were the case."  
  
"You are the one who's wrong, mate. They do make sense, you just don't want to see it." He insists.  
  
"There has to be another explanation."  
  
"Why? Because of the way she clings to you? That's what told Angel that he was right in the first place. I've seen her flinch when you approach her."  
  
"Yes, but then she relaxes almost immediately. With Angel she was terrified, she couldn't even stand being in the same room with him. Tonight she was holding on to me so tight that I could hardly breathe!"  
  
"And you are comforted by that?" He asks sarcastically and I begin to wonder what he sees that I don't, what did Angel tell him that he can't bring himself to tell me. "Think of how she reacts to each one of us!"  
  
"That's the thing, her reactions are quite different from one of us to the next. With the girls she's doing as well as can be expected, I guess, though she does seem to get a bit anxious when she can't see them. The same goes for Xander. She is terrified of Angel --we both saw that-- and she seems to be clinging to me a little too much. As for you, for some reason with you she seems to be acting almost like she used to, maybe a little more subdued but that's all."  
  
"And you don't see a pattern emerging?"  
  
"Not really. Could you bloody well say what you mean once and for all and stop beating around the bush?"  
  
"You want me to stop beating around the bush? Fine. You want to know what the difference is? I'll tell you, that's easy enough. The girls and Xander she sees as needing protection. If something were messing with her memories she would probably have seen herself as being helpless to stop them from being hurt, but I don't think it would have made much sense for whatever was pulling the strings in that place to have **_them_** hurting **_her_**. That's not how her mind works and that could also account for why she's reassured by the fact that she can **_see_** that they are fine. As for me, I think I may have been spared playing a role in her trip to Hell altogether, simply because she doesn't trust me enough to think of me as a safe place but she doesn't really see me as needing protection either. Happy now?"  
  
For a moment I wonder if that could possibly be it. I have to admit that it does make sense in a twisted kind of way, except for her clinginess, however I do know that there's something Spike is not saying here so I force myself to ask the question. "And what about me?"  
  
"Watcher, what's the difference between you and Angel?"  
  
"He's a vampire." I reply immediately, not knowing what he's getting at.  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"I'm not following you."  
  
"I think that just like Angel she sees you as a protector --that would be the most logical explanation-- but the fact that he's a vampire does make a difference. What does she do when you are around?"  
  
"She stays close, extremely close. Usually she just holds on to me and refuses to let go."  
  
"And you don't see a possible explanation? You don't see what's the difference between a man and a vampire that could account for that reaction?"  
  
"My heartbeat," I finally realize, "she's grounding herself by listening to my heartbeat."  
  
"Finally."  
  
"So you are saying that if I was there --hurting her while she was in Hell-- that me wouldn't have had a heartbeat. In my case that's a tangible difference --something she can hold on to while I'm around-- but with Angel she would have no such reference, no real way of telling for sure what's real and that could serve to explain why she was so afraid of him when he was here."  
  
"Took you long enough to figure that one out, mate. You are almost there, just one more push."  
  
"What do you mean 'almost'?"  
  
"Tell me something, in how many ways do you think you could have hurt her that would actually have allowed her to realize that you didn't have a heartbeat in the first place?"  
  
It takes me a few seconds to realize what Spike is implying but when it finally registers I lose the battle I had been waging against the nausea that had been threatening to overwhelm me.


	3. Memories and Reminders

Memories and Reminders (Buffy's POV)  
  
The rational part of me knows I have nothing to fear, they are just faucets in my own bathroom... the rest of my brain is not willing to listen and is just screaming for me to get away from here, only there is nowhere to run. I finally manage to get the water running but stepping into the shower is not something I'm looking forward to. Even checking to see if the temperature is fine is a challenge and even after I've made sure that it is I am not reassured. I've been fooled too many times in the past to allow myself to believe that I am safe. The water may be nice now but as soon as I step under the stream it won't be and then I won't be able to get away from it... I'll be trapped. I need to get clean but I can't bring myself to go in there.  
  
This is something I have to do alone. There's no way I could possibly ask anyone to help me but it's just too much. I look around and then I spot the trash can. I empty it on the floor, wash it and fill it with water, then I grab a hand towel and I use it to wash myself. Once I'm done I manage to wash my hair with the help of a glass and while I'm doing that I allow the water to run in the background, just to keep the others from knowing what I'm doing. When I'm done I shut off the water and then I'm finally free to get out of this place so I brace myself to go looking for Giles.  
  
I see him sitting on the couch and he smiles at me when he realizes that I'm here but it doesn't help much. Approaching him is always a struggle and the memories are always there --threatening to overwhelm me-- but **_he_** trained me well. I know better than to try to get away and then --after that initial fear has subsided-- I can lean against him and I know I'm safe. I guess it's funny --in a really twisted kind of way-- that it is only because the other Giles conditioned me so well that I can stand to go to him at all now, that I can bare to stay still while he approaches me. I want to run, I always do, but I've faced the consequences of doing that too many times to dare to try it now. I'm fine as long as he's holding me but sometimes he tries to do something else for me and it's only because of **_his_** training that I can keep myself from hurting him. Like yesterday, I was tired and he helped me get my shoes off. I know he didn't think anything of it, I know he --or rather this **_he_**-- would never hurt me but just the thought of having him near my feet terrifies me. I learned the hard way just how many nerve endings human feet really have and that's a hard lesson to unlearn. And that was just one little incident... one of thousands.  
  
I know my friends wouldn't understand even if I could get them to believe me. They'd think the memories aren't real but they are. They'd argue that they weren't really there but they were. Sometimes I can still feel the pain but I can't let them see it. They wouldn't understand that this world is not the only one that is real, that just because they don't remember being there doesn't mean that they... no, I can't let myself think that way. They are my friends, they brought me back and yet there's no way for me to make them understand that while I've lived here for a little more than twenty years --and that as far as they are concerned I was dead for less than five months-- I actually spent over a hundred years **_there_**... and that's the problem. Most of the time I'm still not entirely sure of where I am.  
  
When I clawed my way out of my own grave I was terrified --running on instinct even though I knew I had nowhere to run-- but it really was no different from what I had been living --or maybe not-living-- through on a daily basis for I don't know how long. The image of Sunnydale being attacked by demons was nothing I hadn't seen a thousand times since I jumped off that tower, nor was the image of people dying and my friends fighting a battle they couldn't possibly win a new occurrence. I think the first inkling I had that this would be different was when Spike showed up, but even then I wouldn't let myself believe that this could be real. I still don't believe it most of the time, I need reminders but those are hard to come by... like Giles's heartbeat.  
  
Up until he came back I hadn't known what to think, then for a moment I was sure that this was just another one of **_his_** mind games. I wanted to run --to get away from him-- but I knew I couldn't, I knew it would only have made things worse so I waited. It seemed like he was taking forever to approach me, playing with my fear as he had done so many times before, but I managed to hold my ground even when he first touched me. It was a gentle touch --a hand running down my cheek-- but I wasn't willing to let that fool me, he had been gentle before and I still was certain of what would happen next, but then when he hugged me I heard his heartbeat. Funny that it was only then that I realized that he had never had a heartbeat before. That was the first time I allowed myself to even consider the possibility that this might be real.  
  
Hopefully someday I'll be able to believe it **_without_** the constant reminders but I know that day is still far away. For now I sit on the couch --curled up against his side-- I rest my head on his chest once again and I allow myself to drift to sleep knowing that I'm safe.  
  
~*~  
  
Author's note: Yes, I know this part sounds more than a little incoherent... that was intentional. Just in case you were wondering.


	4. Tainted Places of the Mind

Tainted Places of the Mind  
  
I'm holding her while she sleeps, **_again_**, only now that I know why I'm doing it I can barely bring myself to touch her. I haven't told her what Spike said --I don't think she's ready to know that I know-- but I've been watching her. I really don't want to dwell on some of the things Spike pointed out to me but I can't seem to help myself and the truth is that if I want to help her I'm going to have to do **_something_**. I hate to admit it but some of the things the vampire mentioned make sense... like the fact that I need to get her out of this house. If Hell could twist her mind in such a way that it all but destroyed her faith in those she trusted to keep her safe, then it is only logical to assume that that extended to the places in which she felt protected and this house --together with the Magic Box-- are likely to top that list. That fact could easily account for why she seems to be getting worse in stead of better with each passing day.  
  
Ever since I came back we've basically been inside 24/7 and now I realize that that has to change, but it's not as simple as it sounds. Her constant need for contact makes it difficult. Having a man who is approaching fifty walking down the street with a twenty year old woman literally wrapped around him is likely to be frowned upon and it would raise too many eyebrows... something we just can't afford with Social Services breathing down our necks because of Dawn. They haven't made any moves about that yet, but they made it clear even before Buffy died that they would be keeping an eye on the whole situation --that they were not entirely convinced that her sister was ready to care for her-- and if they were to pay us a visit tomorrow there's no way we could pull it off.  
  
So I need to help Buffy and to help her I need to get her out of this house, but I must do that in a way that won't raise any questions. In addition to that I can't tell the others what is going on... nor can I tell Buffy that I know.  
  
I think tomorrow we should try to go somewhere quiet for the day, maybe to the beach. First of all I need to make sure that being away from here --from a place that is so full of memories-- will make things better for her before I can come up with a more concrete plan. The problem is that getting her there might be somewhat tricky. Ideally it should be just the two of us, but I don't think I can safely drive and hold her at the same time and I seriously doubt she is ready to be alone with me in the close confines of a car without that contact. That means I'll probably have to ask Willow and Tara to take us there, which will add too many distractions which will in turn complicate the process of measuring Buffy's reaction to a different environment... not to mention that asking Willow and Tara to come with us will mean having Dawn either join us or stay here with Spike and I'm not particularly thrilled with either one of those two scenarios.   
  
I know Dawn likes Spike well enough and I have to acknowledge that Spike has helped us a lot in the past year or so --and he's the only one I can talk to about what's going on with Buffy-- but the problem is that he is still Spike and trusting a vampire with a child goes against my every instinct. On the other hand leaving Dawn and Spike alone here for the day totally unsupervised could probably mean that the house will be gone by the time we get back and --if our little field trip goes as I fear it will-- that would make talking Dawn into moving a whole lot less complicated. She is stubborn and this is her mother's house after all, but if my suspicions are correct then we will have no choice but to move if Buffy is to survive.  
  
***  
  
The drive here was awkward to say the least. Buffy was oddly quiet, almost listless. She seemed to be resigned to whatever was about to happen to her and I know both Willow and Tara realized that there was more to our little field trip than I had told them. That at least was a small blessing seeing how they made sure to give us plenty of room as soon as we arrived.  
  
We've been here for a few hours and Buffy is still clinging to me but she doesn't seem to be nearly as tense as she was back in Sunnydale. I take that as a good sign. We are sitting on the sand watching the waves and --as usual-- Buffy is resting her head on my chest. I want us to walk a little so I decide to try something different. I take her left hand and wrap it around my right wrist, then I urge her to get up... that should enable her to feel my pulse while allowing for a greater freedom of movement --though I'm not about to risk my left wrist in a slayer's grip if I can help it. Unfortunately I seem to have underestimated my slayer's mind once again. She used to enjoy playing the dumb shallow blonde when I first met her and while she doesn't do that nearly as much as she used to she still manages to catch me off guard sometimes. In this instance I can see in her eyes that that simple gesture has revealed to her the fact that I know what she's been doing.  
  
I hate to see the shame in her eyes, as if it were her fault somehow and I do my best to try to reassure her. Even though I knew it was unavoidable, even though I was aware that this was bound to happen sooner or later I was not prepared for it to happen now. She wasn't ready to know but now that she does there's no turning back. This is not how I wanted things to unfold but I cannot change what has happened and the most I can do now is hope that the fact that she knows will allow me to confront some issues in a more direct fashion... if nothing else it will hopefully open the communication lines enough to enable her to try and tell me what she needs. So far I've been trying to interpret her reactions, not knowing what could set her fear off and I haven't always succeeded. I know she's unlikely to open up completely --even before her time in Hell she was always reluctant to show anything that might be perceived as a weakness and I'm aware that right now she's terrified of revealing anything that might be seen as an exploitable vulnerability-- but maybe now I won't have to pretend that I don't notice whenever she flinches.  
  
We spend a long time walking up and down the beach and not once does she release her hold on my wrist, but after a while she does loosen her grip a little, leaving me with only a few bruises. Eventually we go back, looking for Willow and Tara and I even manage to get Buffy to eat a couple of sandwiches. On the drive back she falls asleep and as I watch her I think about what to do next.  



	5. Reading the Signs

Reading the Signs  
  
We need to move, I know that now and that means that I have to find a way to deal with Dawn. I can't tell her what's going on, it's not my place, but I do know that unless I can provide her with some sort of explanation she is not likely to acquiesce. Moving for her will mean breaking her last connection to her mother so I know I can expect her to fight me on this. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. During these past few months Dawn missed her sister terribly but right now she's having a hard time adjusting to the reality of the changes that she sees in Buffy. She wants her sister back --her old sister-- and she's unwilling to accept that we may never get her back. Maybe Spike will be able to convince her that moving is the best thing for Buffy, but I doubt it.  
  
I don't think Willow and Tara will be a problem. I am pretty sure that by now they have both realized that there is something seriously wrong with Buffy, so hopefully they'll understand. If they don't then they can easily move back into the dorm, though getting a room mid term may prove to be difficult.  
  
As for Buffy, I do know I have a couple of arguments I can use without tipping my hand if I have to. I can say that I can't keep sleeping on the couch for much longer --which would be true if I were actually sleeping there-- or I can mention her financial situation --right now the soundest strategy for her would probably be to rent the house, use that income to cover the mortgage payments and move in with me. Either one of those would probably be enough to convince her, but I don't think they will even be necessary. Ever since she came back Buffy has been **_obedient_** in a way that she had never been before and it worries me deeply. She never says 'no', she never argues... even when Angel came, she recoiled like a terrified animal, but she didn't say anything. It is unnatural and I know it, just one more symptom of what she's been through, just one more reason for me to get her out of here and into a place in which maybe she'll finally be able to start believing that she is safe.  
  
The problem is that --even though I have a very general idea of what she went through-- I'm still mostly trying to guess the reasons behind her reactions. I see her flinch, but I'm never sure as to why. She knows I'm aware that she's been using my heartbeat to ground herself but we haven't really talked about it, and the fact that she won't say 'no' means I have to be extremely careful. I know she wouldn't fight me if I were to try and confront her --if I were to ask her outright about what she's been through-- but I could do a lot of damage by pushing too hard. She needs to trust me on her own but she's been hurt and part of her is just waiting to be hurt again... and the fact that at least one of those doing the hurting wore my face is not helping matters either. My heartbeat may provide her with some comfort but it's not even enough to get her to voice even the most basic requests.   
  
The only bright spot is the fact that --even though she's still not ready to refuse anything verbally-- at least physically she is expressing her will to a certain extent. I am still trying to guess why she flinches ninety percent of the times, but --even if she's not ready to talk about it-- the fact that she can flinch, the fact that she did recoil when Angel came to visit after having the fight so completely beaten out of her is actually a good sign, as is the fact that she keeps actively seeking the reassurance of my heartbeat.  
  
When I first saw her she was afraid of me --I know that now-- and yet back then she never tried to get away. At the time I took that to be a good sign, now I know better. She endured my touch because she felt trapped, because she felt that fighting it would have made matters worse. She endured it because she had been conditioned to endure it. It may seem strange but the knowledge that she now seems to be visibly coming apart is oddly reassuring. It tells me that at least a small part of her may finally be starting to realize that she's safe. The fact that some instinctive reactions are emerging tells me that her conditioning may be starting to crack. She still has a very long way to go, I'm not going to deceive myself about that --and I know things will probably get a lot worse before they get better-- but now I know that there's still some hope and that's why we are moving  
  
In my mind I go over what we'll need in our new home. It must be somewhere nice and quiet --a place that will help her heal-- and it must also be big enough to accommodate us all. We will need at least four bedrooms and a basement --seeing how Spike has pretty much taken up residence with us-- preferably with a privacy fenced back yard large enough for her to train in. I'm not sure if she'll ever be able to go back to her training room in the Magic Box, I hope she will but I'm realistic enough to know that it won't happen soon, if at all. The whole point of moving is to get her away from the memories and the Magic Box probably has as many memories as this house.  
  
As for me, luckily there's nowhere else I have to be. Anya has been doing a great job in the store and she will actually be relieved if I stay away from it ...and for once I'm grateful for that. Spike has agreed to take care of patrolling for as long as it takes, which is good because Buffy is in no shape to go out there. Her hold on reality is still tenuous at best and right now the slayer is not my concern, Buffy is.


	6. Choices

Choices  
  
We've been in the new house for a week now and things are starting to settle down. We were lucky enough to find a place with everything we needed almost immediately, one that was well within my price range... of course the fact that the previous owners had been killed by vampires may have had something to do with that, but then again that's the case with most of the properties that hit the Sunnydale market. It's sad but it's a fact of life around here.  
  
Even though I think Buffy is doing a little better --or maybe I'm just getting better at dealing with it-- I am still deeply worried about her. There have been no dramatic changes since we moved though she does seem to be a little more relaxed. She still sleeps with me more often than not but I'm trying to encourage her to sleep in her own room. She does try and a couple of days ago she managed to go for two hours before the nightmares woke her up but after that she was terrified and I didn't have the heart to leave her alone again. That has become part of our routine, as have the daily meditation exercises.  
  
The back yard is peaceful and it has a huge old tree in one corner. That has become Buffy's meditation spot. We sit in its shade, face to face with our knees touching, my hands resting on her legs and her hands wrapped around my wrists... it's an awkward position but it allows her to stay focused and those exercises do help to keep her grounded.   
  
Of course, whenever I think we are starting to move forward in one front I realize that there is another problem I hadn't even identified before. The most recent one has to do with her eating habits. In a sense it is an extension from the fact that she just won't say 'no'. While she does try to hide it to a certain extent, for the most part she still can't bring herself to tell me what she wants, what she needs. She won't go into the kitchen and grab a bite to eat if she's hungry or a glass of water if she's thirsty. She will eat whatever is put in front of her without an argument and that's probably what masked the problem before we moved. She was eating with us and we were eating things she would normally eat so I didn't even realize that there was something wrong... and this particular problem is probably compounded by the fact that when we are at the table she can't ground herself. I am by her side and she can see me but she is on her own... and that is probably the worst possible combination as far as she's concerned.   
  
This time around I realized what was happening almost by accident. We went into the kitchen for a snack, I asked her whether she wanted the chicken salad or the Chinese take-out leftovers and she froze. It took me a minute to realize what had happened --that I had asked her to express an active choice-- and since then I have done my best to try and see how bad the situation really is. I think the most disturbing evidence of the magnitude of the problem came yesterday. I tried to test her reactions while we were having lunch so rather than allowing her to serve her own meal I overfilled her plate but I miscalculated. I'm used to my own eating habits --not hers-- and I forgot that I have almost a foot and a good eighty pounds on her so I overdid it. My intention was to see whether or not she would stop herself, if she would listen when her body said 'enough'... she didn't. She kept on eating mechanically to the point of making herself sick.  
  
When compared to everything else it seems like such a minor problem but it is one I have to keep a close eye on because of its potential impact on Buffy's health... and it is yet another thing I don't know how to help her with. I know I'll have to keep a close eye on what she eats and drinks, that's the easy part, but I have no idea of what I can do to help her break that dependence. I admit that more than once I've been tempted to corner her into responding, that I've wanted to ask questions as deceivingly simple as 'Is there anything you want to tell me?' but I've stopped myself. I need some answers and yet I know she's not ready.  
  
I need to know if I want to help her but --at least for the time being--I can't ask her for fear of hurting her.


	7. Be Careful With What You Wish For

Be Careful With What You Wish For  
  
I'm sitting on a chair watching Buffy sleep and I notice that once again she's becoming agitated only now I really don't know what to do. I don't dare to go near her, not after what happened a couple of hours ago. Ever since I came back I've been struggling to understand what she's been going through, hoping for some kind of insight. I should know by now to be careful with what I wish for.  
  
In a sense it shouldn't have caught me by surprise, maybe the oddest thing is that it didn't happen sooner than it did. I should have been ready for something like that, at least from an intellectual perspective, but I wasn't. I really, _really_, **_really_** wasn't. I'm not sure what triggered it, I know it was an accident and I am aware that I can never tell Buffy about it, but it bothered me deeply. I was holding her while she slept as I have been doing for weeks now and then **_it_** happened. I can only assume it was a dream, a nightmare she couldn't quite escape from.   
  
The first indication I had that something was wrong was Buffy's whimpering. I tried to wake her as I had done so many times before but I couldn't, she was trapped and she kept reacting to my touch, unaware of where she was, what she was saying or whom she was with and those reactions finally provided me with what I had been looking for: a clear glimpse of some of what she went through while she was dead. It didn't last more than a couple of minutes and yet it was almost more than I could handle. Eventually I managed to get away from her and the loss of contact finally woke her up. Somehow I managed to hold her until she fell asleep once more. It was hard, but I knew it had to be done if I didn't want her to realize what had just happened, what she had been trying to do just minutes earlier.  
  
It was a painful reminder of how far from normal we still are. There has been a fairly dramatic change in these past few weeks. Moving has definitely helped. She is a lot more relaxed and she can even function on her own to some extent --at least around the house, she still relies on my touch whenever we go out-- and yet I know that the fact that she's getting better is just part of it... the other part has to do with Buffy getting better at pretending that she's getting better.   
  
While there have been some changes, I am also aware that there are other areas we have gotten quite good at tiptoeing around. I know better than to corner her into saying 'no' or making choices, though as long as I'm holding her she is now willing to indicate what she wants beyond the most basic instinctive reactions. Another dramatic improvement has to do with the fact that she is starting to feel comfortable with less explicit forms of touch even outside the safety of our home. At first she kept trying to curl up against me in order to hear my heartbeat, and while that is still her favorite position --and pretty much a prerequisite for her to be able to sleep-- we have now come to a point in which I can just hold her hand or rest my hand on her shoulder and that seems to be enough under normal circumstances. This has enabled us to get out more --if only because those contacts are socially acceptable and unlikely to be frowned upon-- and while we still avoid crowded places, just being out of the house is helping her to rebuild her confidence.  
  
The thing is that while the rational part of my brain knows she's doing better and it also knows that some setbacks are to be expected, what happened tonight caught me totally off guard. I know in a sense it was just a meaningless incident that is unlikely to have any impact at all on Buffy's long term recovery --at least as long as I can keep it from having an impact on my own reactions-- but pretending it didn't happen is going to be difficult. I can't allow myself to be afraid to touch her and I certainly can't allow myself to be afraid of her touch. I know she is still dependent on that contact and I understand that what happened tonight is bound to happen again and again... and the truth is that that thought terrifies me. I can't stand to see her like that.  
  
I wanted to know what she had been through, and while I'm still largely in the dark about that I did get an extremely vivid and disturbing glimpse into it tonight. It was enough to leave me afraid to go near her as I watch her suffer through yet another one of her nightmares and it was also enough to leave me in awe of her. I couldn't handle seeing what she went through for less than five minutes... and yet after living through it she's still hanging in there, still fighting.


	8. Reclaiming

Reclaiming  
  
I'm watching her as she tries to meditate and I'm well aware that it's not really working. I can tell she's afraid, terrified even, her grip on my wrists is enough for me to know that but I keep quiet in spite of the pain. This is not about meditation or exercises to help her relax, not today. This is about Buffy trying to reclaim her life.  
  
For months now I've been holding her, helping her, doing everything in my power to keep her going against all odds, and today for the first time she has taken control of that process. We still haven't spoken about much of anything, not really, I've been reluctant to push her but I think she's finally ready. She still won't contradict me, not openly, but she has grown more assertive. So far her progress has been gradual but reasonably steady. I remember how only a month ago whenever we went out for a walk she would wait for me to guide her, to make all the decisions, now if I don't do it she will take the initiative, she will let me know where she wants to go... and in the end that's what brought us here.   
  
We were walking and suddenly we found ourselves in front of the Magic Box, I could see that she was shaken and for a moment she wasn't quite sure of what to do so I pulled her close. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes and then something happened, I'm not sure what, but she smiled at me and she pulled me into the store. I don't think she's been here more than a couple of times since her resurrection and not once since I came back, so she was understandably nervous but in spite of that she brought me here, to her training room.  
  
She **_chose_** to bring me here.  
  
I know it's not over --I know it will probably never be over-- but now I can at least hope that the worst is behind us.


	9. Meat

Meat  
  
I'm trying to conceal my horror, I really am, but I don't think it's working and her puzzled look is only making it worse. It's like she can't even understand why her comment bothered me, as far as she can tell what she said was meant to be reassuring. She said it without bitterness, as if she were stating a fact, as if she were saying that the moon is shining... which it is.  
  
Whenever I think I'm starting to understand what she's been through, something comes along and I realize that I've barely scratched the surface. It's happened so many times that I know I shouldn't really be surprised any more but I always am, and yet the worst part is her acceptance. She can't even see how wrong it is.  
  
Her whole perception of herself --of what's normal-- has been turned upside down, and while the rational part of my mind has been aware of that for a while, the more concrete pieces of evidence are harder to come to terms with. I have spent weeks trying to conceal what she sometimes tries to do to me in her sleep. I was sure she wouldn't be able to cope with it and she just found out. The worst part is that she found out the one time I was so tired that I couldn't keep my own body from responding. As soon as I realized what had just happened I tried to apologize, making sure I was giving her more than enough room to get away from me and absolutely certain that I had lost all the progress we had made in the past ten weeks. I think I could have handled that better than her surprise at my own horror and her quiet statement that it was fine, that she's 'just meat'.  
  
I know she doesn't really believe that --or at least I hope she doesn't-- but I do realize that any spiritual connection she might have had with her own body, with her own sexuality, has been shattered and I'm not even sure whether or not restoring it is a possibility. In order to survive she was forced to move her body from 'me' to 'it'. Oddly enough after what just happened I can understand her a little better. It is a lot easier for me to try to come to terms with the fact that **_my body_**, that **_it_** , responded than to deal with the fact that **_I_** responded.  
  
I've thought about getting her help --professional help-- more than once but I still haven't figured out how to do it. There are several things I have going against me right now. First of all by the very nature of Buffy's situation I know the chances of finding a therapist willing to take her case seriously are slim to none. Then I have to deal with the fact that Buffy is still struggling to verbalize what she's been through when I'm holding her and totally unable to do it when I'm not... and to top it all off there's her hysterical fear of hospitals. I remember what happened when she got sick several years ago, I know what happened to her cousin, but I also know that that was just an excuse. The information I have on her personal background is far more complete than she knows and I know what Joyce did when Buffy first tried to tell her about the things that go bump in the night before I even met her. I am painfully aware of the weeks she spent in that mental institution and I know how unlikely she is to ever trust a therapist again.  
  
In addition to all that I know the one thing I can't afford to do right now is jeopardize Buffy's trust, and that pretty much rules out the possibility of even mentioning what's going on to anyone who doesn't already know about it. That means I have no one to turn to, no one to share my concerns with except for a soulless demon living in the basement... and who knows, maybe under the circumstances a demon is the one best suited to understand what she's going through. By the way I keep underestimating the situation I can't help but fear that what she's been through is just too far removed from all that's human for me to grasp.  
  
~*~  
  
Author's note 1- About the POV mess the story goes as follows "Hell" was originally meant to be a one-shot until a friend asked me to write a sequel, so "Fear, Trust and Affection" was written. I assumed that that was it but she didn't agree and that lead to "Memories and Reminders". After that it became clear that the story was going to continue for quite a while and it was then that I decided to settle on Giles's POV. That will probably be the case throughout the rest of the story, however I am not ruling out the possibility of eventually writing a companion piece from Buffy's POV. In a sense these should be seen as a series of ficlets rather than a single story, it's being posted in chapter form due to technical reasons.  
  
Author's note 2- I hope this explains why therapy is not an option, and also why Giles was freaking out in "Be Careful With What You Wish For".


	10. Steps

Steps  
  
The house feels silent and I don't like it. I just realized that this is the first chance I've had to be alone here since we moved. I should be enjoying it after so many years of living by myself but I'm not. I'm worried, wondering whether or not it was too soon.  
  
Tonight I took advantage of the fact that Dawn will be spending the night at Janice's to get Willow, Tara and Spike to take Buffy out for a while. In a sense I would have been more comfortable with them going out during the day, but that would have meant that Spike couldn't go along and while I trust Willow and Tara I haven't been able to bring myself to tell them exactly what's going on. I'm not sure why I haven't told them. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to protect them, because I don't want to betray Buffy's trust or because I don't think they would be able to keep the fact that they know from Buffy and she needs to have them treat her as close to normal as possible, not walking on eggshells... maybe it is a combination of all of the above. The thing is that they don't know and Buffy needed to have someone with her who could help her out if things got too bad, so Spike went with them... even if part of me cringes at the thought of leaving my slayer under a vampire's care.  
  
I know in a battle you have to be able to take advantage of whatever resources you have available to you and right now Spike's help is one resource I can't afford to do without. I may not particularly like him, but I'm not willing to jeopardize Buffy because of that dislike. There are too many things I won't be able to do for her and I know it. If she's ever going to break --or at least lessen-- her dependence on me she's going to need someone else to help her make that transition, and even if I don't find it a very comforting thought I know that in his own twisted way Spike does love her and he understands... probably a lot better than I do. I know I'll have to keep an eye on things, to make sure she is actually breaking that dependency and standing on her own rather than merely transferring it, but I am aware that I will need Spike's help.  
  
The thing is that for the past couple of weeks I've been trying to push Buffy a little harder, sometimes putting her in a position in which she has to choose between saying 'no' and doing things she may not be sure she's ready to do, like going out without me. It hasn't been easy for either one of us, but I know it has to be done. Like the other day when I decided to play dumb and volunteered to give her a back rub. I know she was terrified, it was a far more intrusive kind of touch than the one she feels comfortable with. It was a kind of touch I knew she feared could turn painful with no warning whatsoever, one that didn't allow her the reassurance of listening to my heartbeat and one that placed her in what was clearly a vulnerable position. Even though I was as gentle as I could it was awful for her. The rational part of my mind knew she was responding to her memories rather than to what was being done to her and yet I couldn't help but blame myself for her distress.  
  
That was one incident but it wasn't the only one. Another thing I've been trying to do is to get her to talk to me, but that hasn't been easy. I'm working on it almost daily but that's one place where I'm still reluctant to push too hard, at least for the time being. It's slow going. Usually she just nods or shakes her head in response to my questions, sometimes I may get her to give me a one word answer to clarify things but for the most part I can do little else but ask her to confirm what I already know and I fear that the price she pays for those simple answers is too high. She may not be ready to tell me what she's thinking but I can see her fighting her memories.   
  
The most I've been able to do is map her body to get a clearer picture of just which parts of it are the ones in which contact elicits the most fear, and even that was extremely hard on her. I knew that questioning her about it would have been excruciating and it would have taken forever so I decided to try a different approach. I just asked her to lay down and then I ran my hands over her body, careful not to touch her, just hovering about an inch away from her while I watched for her responses... it was far from pleasant but it took less than a minute. It may not seem like much as far as progress goes but it is something that can help me avoid a mistake, which is good because the answers I found did include a few surprises, such as her armpits. I guess in a way it makes sense but I never would have thought about it and I hate the fact that I now realize that it **_does_** make sense. Her armpits, along with her genitals, her hands and feet are areas that have more nerve endings than vital organs nearby, so they are areas that can be easily abused causing unbearable pain but little long term damage, the same goes for her mouth. The rest of her face and her breasts also caused her to react, but those reactions were nowhere near as strong, the proximity of vital organs making those more delicate targets.  
  
The other thing that little experiment taught me is that whatever was hurting her was treating her as if she were mortal, and that might mean that she didn't really know where she was, a fact that could help explain why she is so confused. In my mind I have an image of hell in which there is constant torment, but that is not consistent with what I've seen or with what Spike has suggested. If that had been the case convincing her that she's safe would have been reasonably easy but I've known since Angel's visit that the torture she endured was psychological at least as much as it was physical and sexual. In order to keep her fear alive she must have been made to feel vulnerable and while knowing that she could not be killed would have served to enforce her hopelessness, it would also have lessened the impact of whatever it was that she was going through. No, her responses are more consistent with those of someone who was trapped in a place where she was subjected to constant mind games intended to break her.  
  
The more I think about it the more apparent it becomes that I'm going to have no choice but to force a confrontation here. Waiting for her to feel safe enough to talk is unlikely to work.


	11. No

No  
  
Buffy is leaning against my chest while we watch an old movie on TV and she seems to be reasonably calm. Dawn, Willow and Tara are all in school and Spike is sleeping in the basement so I guess this is as good a time as any to confront her. I do know things won't get any easier no matter how long I wait. I tell her that we need to talk and I feel her tense up immediately, like she does whenever I try to get her to open up. I know she won't fight me, she won't say no, but she won't cooperate either... the difference this time is that I won't back down. I will respect her wishes if she tells me she doesn't want to talk but I know she won't say it openly and I refuse to interpret her body language in that regard any longer.  
  
I try to begin with safe questions, things we have already been through, trying to get her to feel at least a little more comfortable, then I slowly move toward other issues. When she remains quiet I prompt her to answer and I wait for her when she needs a moment to gather her thoughts but I'm not willing to let her avoid me, not this time. I am also struggling with my reactions, that's something I've gotten good at lately. She tries to avoid going into details and for the time being I decide not to push her. Right now I just want to get some of those secrets she's been keeping out in the open. I know that's not fair. She's not keeping secrets, she's just trying to forget, to feel safe... and the truth is that even now I'm not sure I can handle those details.  
  
I can see she is growing increasingly agitated as I push forward with my questions. I am not following the script, I'm not letting her off the hook and that's making her nervous. I know it's necessary, I keep telling that to myself, but it's not helping. I really hate seeing her like this, so different from the strong, confident girl she used to be. She may be the one 'the things that go bump in the night' fear, but right now she is terrified of her inner demons.   
  
The demons that haunt her are her own... and they have brought everything else in her life to a screeching halt. Even her training --that cornerstone of her calling-- had to be basically suspended, adding to her loss. Simply put it's not safe for anyone to train with her right now because her control is virtually non existent. There are only a couple of things we can do, such as a little Tai Chi --which allows her to stay fit-- and sometimes she literally beats the stuffing out of the punching bag, but that's about it. Hand to hand is out of the question, as are most contact weapons, such as the quarterstaff, the sword, the stake and the knife. The crossbow is still an option, but as a release mechanism --as an outlet for her pent up energy-- it is totally worthless... and there's no way she could possibly go out slaying in her current condition.  
  
I know I'm allowing my mind to wander and I force myself to focus on the task at hand. The truth is that I'm about as eager to ask some of the questions I need to ask as Buffy is to answer them but it has to be done... I'm just not sure how I should go about it. How do I ask her what **_I_** did to her? How do I ask her why she's so afraid of expressing her wishes? These are things I need to know if I want to help her, the rational part of me knows this, but these are also things I really don't want to know, fears I don't want to have confirmed. Up until now all I've had are Spike's theories and even though I can think of countless anecdotical incidents that can easily be interpreted as circumstantial evidence to corroborate those theories I know that as soon as Buffy confirms those suspicions I will lose my last chance to deny the truth behind my fears. I also know that as soon as I ask those questions Buffy will know that I know and I don't know how she's going to react to that knowledge.  
  
I feel like I'm caught in a spider's web and each move I make only serves to entangle me even more. Ever since I came back I've been trying to help her but at first I had no idea of just what I was up against. Now I am starting to comprehend and it terrifies me but it's too late for me to back away even if I wanted to... which I don't. That means I have to forge ahead so I force myself to ask what I hope will be the easiest of those questions. I ask her if she can tell me what she fears will happen if she makes a choice.  
  
She buries her face in my shirt and I tighten my arms around her trying to reassure her as I wait for her answer. To my surprise she shakes her head and barely manages to whisper the word 'no'.  
  
~*~  
  
Author's Note: Sorry about the delay in getting this part out, real life got in the way.


	12. Breaking

Breaking  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry..." She whispers time and time again as I try to get her to calm down.  
  
"Buffy, it's okay, you are safe."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Ssssh, you didn't do anything wrong."  
  
"I'll choose." She says, out of nowhere, pulling away from me.  
  
"Choose?"  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"What do you mean you'll choose?" I really don't understand what just happened, what triggered this reaction.  
  
"I have to choose now." She insists, seemingly resigned to **_something_** though I can't quite figure out what.  
  
"Buffy, what's going on? Why do you have to choose?"  
  
"I said 'no'... must never say no." She mutters, almost to herself.  
  
"And when you say 'no' you have to 'choose'?" I ask, still not sure of what's going through her mind.  
  
She nods and whispers "I'm sorry."  
  
"What do you have to choose?" I prod.  
  
"You'll tell me."  
  
"What am I supposed to tell you? I don't understand, Buffy, you have to help me out here!"  
  
"You'll tell me what my choices are."  
  
"Choices?"  
  
"I have to choose what my punishment will be." She explains, even if it doesn't make sense.  
  
"You are not going to be punished."  
  
"But I said 'no'." She insists, clearly confused.  
  
"You are safe now, you can say 'no' and no one is going to punish you for that." I try to reassure her even though I know it's useless. Right now she's trapped in her memories and I'm not going to get through to her.  
  
"Please, I have to choose."  
  
"No, you don't. You don't have to choose any more. It's over."  
  
"I choose me." She says suddenly.  
  
"There are no choices, Buffy." I say more forcefully than I had intended and I realize almost immediately that it was the wrong thing to say as I see her grow even more frantic.  
  
"Please let me choose me, no matter what the punishment is."  
  
"You are not going to be punished."  
  
"Please, I don't care what it is, I choose me."  
  
"What do you mean you choose yourself?"  
  
"Do whatever you want to me, but don't hurt them. It's my fault. I said 'no', they didn't do anything."  
  
"No one is getting punished, Buffy. There's nothing for you to choose." I say, then I ask, "Is that what you had to do? You had to choose between getting punished yourself or watching someone else get hurt in your place?"  
  
"Yes." She whispers.  
  
"Who would get hurt in your place, Buffy?" I ask softly, knowing what the answer will be but still needing to have it confirmed.  
  
"Dawn, Willow, Tara, Xander or..." She trails off with a horrified look in her face.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"It can't be! Not her! Please, I choose me, I choose me!" She says desperately.  
  
"I told you, you don't have to choose any more, you are safe, you all are. You are not about to be punished, no one is." I say pulling her close, realizing too late that the small distance she had put between us when she pulled away is making things worse, remembering that she usually tends to ground herself by listening to my heartbeat and that now she is too far away to hear it.  
  
"But she's still there!" She insists as I do everything within my power to get her to calm down.  
  
"Who is still there?"  
  
"My mom. My mom is still there."


	13. Delirium

Delirium  
  
  
As soon as I'm sure that Buffy is asleep and unlikely to wake up I slip out of the room, ask Spike to watch over her for a while and set out to make the necessary arrangements to keep Dawn out of the house for at least a couple of days. That turns out to be more complicated than I had originally anticipated simply because pretty much everyone I would normally have considered to look after her is living here now. Willow and Tara are down the hall and Spike is in the basement. That leaves Xander and Anya and while I'm desperate I'm not desperate enough to leave an impressionable fifteen year old girl under Anya's care. In the end Janice's mother agrees to allow her to stay with them until the weekend... now I just have to convince Dawn that it's necessary without going into details about what's going on and that's not likely to be easy. If nothing else experience has taught me that Dawn can be extremely perceptive whenever we are trying to keep something from her. Figuring that the one less likely to make a mistake and let something she shouldn't know slip out is someone who doesn't really know what's going on to begin with I decide to delegate that particular task to Xander. Once that is taken care of I return to Buffy's room and settle back in my place, by her side.  
  
Right now she is my main concern. She is burning up as her body reacts to the stress she's been under ever since she came back but I know she would never forgive herself if Dawn were to overhear some of the things she's been screaming for the past couple of hours, especially those concerning Joyce. She was absolutely terrified and there was nothing I could do to help her, eventually she exhausted herself an drifted into an uneasy slumber.  
  
I had been fearing that she would end up making herself sick for some time but I never expected it to happen so suddenly... of course I also failed to anticipate her reaction to my clumsy attempts to get her to open up. I got my answers but I'm regretting the price she had to pay for them. At least now I know what she went through... or at least I know enough not to want to know any more.   
  
I now know she was forced to become an active participant in her own torture and humiliation, stripped of her dignity, pushed to the breaking point and then asked to make an impossible choice only to have the whole cycle begin anew in an even more vicious fashion. I already knew that she had been conditioned not to say 'no', I knew she was afraid of making choices and I think deep down I even knew that it was my own alter ego that was responsible for that but there's always that difference between knowing and understanding... or perhaps in this case it is merely a difference between suspecting it and having my worst fears confirmed. I know it wasn't really me but in a way it was. I may not have been the one to do those things to her, or her friends, or her mother, but still in her mind those memories remain and there's nothing I can do to change that.   
  
I suspect there are other things that are still hidden in there. I am aware that my presence only triggered the memories of those incidents I was somehow involved with, and I know those represent only a tiny fraction of what she endured. I know Angel would have unleashed a totally different set of horrors and chances are that a number of the enemies she defeated over the years also had a role to play. Was she ever at the mercy of the Master and his minions? Of the Major, Adam and Glory? Of the countless demons she has defeated since she was called six years ago? And if she was, what did they do to her? Was there someone else there, someone I haven't even considered? I don't know, chances are I'll never know unless some of those memories ambush us in the future, but I am aware that the memories triggered by my presence were the most urgent ones, not because they were the worst, the most or the most important but simply because they were the ones most likely to **_be_** triggered, the ones that have been haunting her constantly since I came back.  
  
I know that in a rather twisted way her current breakdown is a good thing, but I'm having trouble seeing it from that perspective right now as her temperature keeps rising steadily. I know it means that at some level she feels safe enough to let herself go, but I am also aware that in this instance her slayer healing is going to complicate matters. That system which is finely tuned to get rid of most illnesses in record time has now been turned against a non existent foe and her body is attacking itself, her fever is dangerously high and there's just one thing I can do to help her... the same thing the other me used in order to break her.  
  
Trying not to disturb her I get up and I go to my room looking for the one thing that can neutralize her slayer powers, her slayer healing: the Cruciamentum serum.  



	14. Resting

Resting  
  
I've been thinking for hours... not like there's much else I could do as I hold Buffy while she sleeps. I tried getting away but even in her current condition she tends to get agitated at the loss of contact. At some level she still needs to hear my heartbeat in order to feel safe so I stay with her. I'm really at a loss about what to do now. I know I have to look for a different approach to dealing with her, that much is certain. I know I can't go against her conditioning --it is just too powerful and it would be too dangerous-- but I still need to find a way to break it... and I know that no matter what I do the memories will continue to haunt her for a very long time. I wish I could get rid of them but I know I can't and I know talking won't help... I know nothing I can say will convince her that Joyce is safe, the most I can hope to accomplish is to convince her that this is real which would hopefully cause her fears to fade into the background, but even that is bound to take some time.  
  
"Take it easy, it's okay." I reassure her as I feel Buffy stirring against my side. I know she is likely to be confused and disoriented and I certainly don't want her to panic again.   
  
"Wht hppend?" She mumbles.  
  
"Try to rest." I say placing my hand on her forehead, her skin still feels warmer than it should, but not dangerously so.  
  
"My head hurts."  
  
"I know, you are running a fever, but it's not so bad now. Do you want some water?"  
  
"Please... how long was I out?" She asks, still not opening her eyes and still not letting go of me as I struggle to reach the water bottle.  
  
"About eighteen hours."   
  
"Dawn!" She all but screams as her eyes spring open and she tries to sit up.  
  
"She's fine, she'll be spending a couple of days with Janice, don't worry." I say pushing her back down.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"What on Earth for?"  
  
"For what I said before... I know it wasn't really you. I never meant for you to find out about it."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Never mind."  
  
"I'm not sorry you told me, Buffy. I needed to know and I'm the one who has some apologizing to do here, not you."  
  
"Okay, now I really don't understand."  
  
"When your temperature spiked it got bad... really, _really_, **_really_** bad. It got dangerously high, up to 106º and I had two choices to bring it down, neither one of them good. I could either take you to a hospital and hope for the best, knowing how much you hate those places and knowing that you might end up waking up alone and disoriented because there was no way for me to explain why I had to stay with you or I could temporarily knock your immune system off line because it was a stress reaction and it was your immune system that was causing the whole problem to begin with. I chose option number two. I'm sorry."  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
"I used the Cruciamentum serum to neutralize your slayer healing and give your body a chance to regain its own balance. The effects should wear off in about twelve hours." I grudgingly confess.  
  
"So I'm helpless?"   
  
I can see the fear in her eyes and I hate it but I know she has a right to know what I did to her. "You are safe." I say.  
  
"I know but I don't know and..." She looks away but I already know what she's thinking, even if she can't bring herself to say it.  
  
"You are afraid of me, I know. I did the same thing to you that **_he_** did. I'm sorry, I just didn't know what else I could do."  
  
"I kind of understand why you did it," she admits, "and I am glad I didn't wake up in a hospital. Believe me that wouldn't have been good for me **_or_** the hospital... I just hate being weak."  
  
"I know, and the effects should wear off long before I let you even think about getting out of bed anyway, young lady, so you shouldn't even notice them but I wanted you to know." I say and I see her freeze immediately.   
  
I curse at my own insensitivity. The other me used the Cruciamentum serum to weaken her, strip her of her powers and then break her. He used it to teach her **_obedience_** when she couldn't fight back. I should have known better than to try to order her to do anything right now, even teasingly. "I'm sorry, Buffy, I didn't mean that as it sounded. Of course you can get out of bed if you feel strong enough but I'd prefer it if you were to rest a while. You really scared me this time."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"No more apologies. I'm just glad to see that you are doing better."  
  
"What about Willow and Tara? What did you tell them?"  
  
"They know you are sick --obviously-- but I didn't tell them what happened. They weren't here when you were delirious, you were already unconscious by the time they came home."  
  
"That's something." She says, relieved, and I can't help but wonder what's going through her mind.  
  
"You have nothing to be ashamed of."  
  
"It's not that, okay, not just that. It's more like I really don't want to have to explain. It's bad enough that you know."  
  
"Why? Tell me, please."  
  
"I don't want you all walking on eggshells around me, not more than you already do. Believe me, I know I'm not doing well... I'm so scared all the time and... I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain." That statement in itself is so different from what I've come to expect from her that it tells me almost immediately that she's not really as fully conscious as I thought she was... she's not defensive enough for that.  
  
"You don't have to explain, not now. What you need right now is rest. Does your head still hurt?"  
  
"A little. Please stay." She asks as she rests her head against my side once again.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere." I say pulling her close and smiling for the first time in quite a while as I realize that in her somewhat disoriented condition she just showed me how to beat this thing.


	15. Words

Words  
  
It's been a few days since Buffy's breakdown and already she is back to trying to pretend everything is fine, even though she knows I won't believe her. In a way I'm amazed at how well she's managed to reorganize her behavior to conceal her conditioning. It's not like it's not apparent that there's something very wrong but now that I know what to look for I realize that she is doing a much better job than I had previously realized... and in a way I've unknowingly helped her conceal it. Almost from the start I tried to establish some sort of routine to provide her with some stability, with a sense of safety, and she transformed that routine into a shield. By following it blindly she made it into something she could use to avoid making choices or expressing her own thoughts without us knowing it... and that has to change. I understand now why she won't say 'no', why she panics whenever she's forced to voice even the most basic choices and I know there's very little I can do to change that, at least for the time being, but that doesn't mean I can't find a way to work around it.   
  
So far I've been trying to work against her conditioning, trying to force her to choose, to say 'no' and that was the wrong approach. She was taught obedience and that's going to be a difficult lesson for her to unlearn... I can't just order her to do it. For now my best bet is to turn that conditioning against itself by getting her to say 'yes' as she's been trained to do. It's not about forcing her to tell me what she **_doesn't_** want but about encouraging her to let me know what she **_does_** want. It's all about finding the right way to turn the words around to give her back her freedom, about helping her turn negatives into affirmatives and encouraging her to express those instead... and in a way she's already doing it.  
  
This thing I'm now facing with Buffy may not be something I was ever trained to deal with but I was trained as a strategist. I should have remembered that the direct approach is not always the best when confronting a powerful enemy... and the fact that the enemy here has no physical form doesn't deny that fact, it actually reinforces it. Her conditioning cannot be confronted, it must be ambushed and that's what I intend to do.  
  
Funny how after all this time, after thinking it over for months, it was a seemingly innocent exchange that showed me the way to turn this thing around. She asked me to stay and I told her I wasn't going anywhere... that was all it took. Her request was affirmative, my instinctive reply addressed the negative she couldn't bring herself to voice.   
  
That is the key word here: voice... and it is also one of the things I kept pushing her to do. I wanted her to **_talk_** to me, to **_tell_** me things even though it was clear she wasn't ready. In the past our relationship was mainly verbal, up until she came back I rarely ever touched her. That has changed recently as she now relies on my heartbeat to ground herself whenever she is confused or disoriented but the change goes deeper than that. She can express herself with her actions but often balks at the words. I can tell her to get herself something to eat and she will do it, she will obey, not realizing that merely by opening the fridge and getting something out of it she's making a choice, but if I ask her if she prefers the chicken salad or the Chinese leftovers she freezes. Extrapolating those reactions to a wider context I can now see that while she is not ready to face the question 'do you want this or that?' a request or command along the lines of 'tell me what you want' is something she can handle... or at least it is as long as I'm careful not to phrase it as a question.   
  
I am not deluding myself, I know where her ability to express what she 'wants' --to say 'yes'-- comes from. I know it comes at least partially from the fact that she was trained to ask for her own punishment and I hate it, but that ability is there and it is still something I can manipulate to my advantage... even if it sickens me.  
  
The truth is that while her inability to deal with kindness --to even recognize a request as anything **_but_** an order-- pains me deeply, I can no longer afford to obsess over what she's not ready to do, that will only make matters worse. I have to shift my focus toward building on what she can do. I have to create situations that will encourage her to voice her non verbal choices without her knowing it until she is ready to do more than that. I have to find a way to help her tell me what she **_really_** wants and help her realize that she has nothing to fear from doing so. I also have to make sure she has a way out of those situations in case she feels too overwhelmed and at the same time I must try to help her rediscover who she used to be and what she used to enjoy so tomorrow I'll do something I have never dared to do. Tomorrow I'll be facing my utmost fears, the Lord have mercy on my soul 'cause tomorrow I'm taking her shoe shopping.


	16. Shopping

Shopping  
  
We've been here for over two hours and I can see that the sales girl who's been helping us is by now more than a little anxious. I can certainly understand the feeling but I also hope she won't lose her temper and say something she shouldn't, like 'will you choose already!?', even if I'm tempted to say it myself.  
  
The truth is that this whole experience has turned into a sort of poker game. While not terrified it is clear that Buffy still finds shopping a little too daunting and the fact that this is not part of her **_safe_** daily routine is making her uncomfortable. If the situation weren't so serious I would probably describe it as hilarious. She keeps trying on shoes and asking for my opinion as to whether I like them or not while trying to conceal her own reactions, still trying to mold her choices to my expectations, still trying to leave the choice in my hands... as if I had a clue about women's shoes. For my part I try to keep her from seeing any reaction at all, still waiting for her to choose the ones she likes. At this rate we'll be here until next week.  
  
I had hoped that her love of shopping would have been enough to distract her from her fear but it wasn't... or maybe shoe shopping was too much for a first attempt at it. Maybe I should have taken her out for something simpler like an ice cream before trying something this complex. I realize now that I got carried away in my excitement, that while I am eager to encourage her to rediscover her freedom this was too much too soon but unfortunately it's too late to change my mind about that so I'll have no choice but to help her make a decision.   
  
I had really hoped it wouldn't be necessary for me to do this but it is, so I gently rub her shoulder, trying to reassure her as I start asking her questions I know she can handle, questions where 'no' is not an option. I ask her what is her favorite color, then I narrow the choices down by eliminating all the others, I ask about her favorite style, and narrow it down again for her. I repeat the process until there are only four pairs left from the mountain we had to begin with but I can see that she is getting nervous... this is a little too close to a choice for her liking and I'm out of defining characteristics by now --all four remaining pairs look pretty much the same to me and I'm glad to discover that they also look like something she would normally wear-- so I take the final choice out of her hands, knowing she's not ready to take that step just yet. I pick one of them almost at random, ask her if she likes it (knowing that she will say yes even if she doesn't) and then we can finally leave the store behind.  
  
The whole experience was far from the rousing success I had hoped it would be but it was not a total disaster either. The part of me that had hoped for a glimpse of the old Buffy was disappointed, of course, but she did okay and I do realize anything more was too much to hope for. Getting her used to the freedom to voice her wishes even in a limited and roundabout way will take some time and cunning but now at least I'm sure she will eventually be able to do it.


	17. Routine

Routine  
  
Lately I've been trying to break Buffy's routine a little, making it less safe for her, less predictable, less sheltered. We took over grocery shopping from Willow and Tara and I'm no longer allowing Buffy's fears to cause us to live almost as recluses. I must admit that I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten. Though I made sure that we went out for a little while each day almost from the start, those little excursions were usually short and carefully planned to avoid anything that she could possibly interpret as disturbing. As for me I always preferred staying home with a good book whenever possible so all too often the main difference as far as my own routine was concerned was that now Buffy was curled up by my side as I read. Her presence there became something comfortable and natural to me, so much so that I didn't realize that it was my life I was encouraging her to live, not hers. I am now trying to change that but it's a slow process... one that often leads to unexpected results.  
  
For instance grocery shopping has become an interesting experience as I provide her with ever less detailed lists. The first time I told her to go get some cereal she came back with an assortment that included every single brand they had available in the store. She was so nervous that I couldn't bring myself to point out to her that we really didn't need that many so I paid for the whole lot and then returned most of them to the store without her knowledge... since then I'm always careful to add specific instructions as far as quantity when it comes to the items I ask her to find.  
  
I am also trying to push her to go out with her friends more often, even though she really hates it and I think by now even Xander is beginning to notice. The problem is that in their attempts to cheer her up they are courting disaster time and time again and Buffy is the one who ends up paying the price. Like last night when they decided to take her to the Bronze for old times' sake... she lasted less than ten minutes and came home shaking and terrified. When I asked them what had happened they told me that while Spike had tried to talk them out of it, Buffy hadn't said anything so --even though Tara had sided with Spike-- Xander, Anya, Willow and Dawn had managed to outvote them. I almost got angry at them for that one, trying to imagine what being in such a crowded place --which is probably on her list of 'places full of memories' to begin with-- where she had no control of her surroundings was like for her. I know they have good intentions, I know they don't really understand what's going on and I know that is partially my fault but maybe I should warn them that whenever they go out with Buffy, Spike has veto power.  
  
I don't want to tell them what's going on, I am aware that Buffy doesn't want them to know but I am also aware that if I intend to rely on them to help her reclaim her life I will have no choice but to tell them **_something_**... or at least tell some of them. Last night's Bronze disaster was at least partially due to the fact that Buffy can't say 'no' and they are unaware of that fact. They outvoted Spike because Buffy didn't --**_couldn't_**-- object and I need to find a way to prevent that from happening ever again, preferably without resorting to giving him veto power, which would seem too suspicious. That means I have to find a way to talk to at least some of them.  
  
I know telling Dawn is out of the question, she's too young and there's no way she would understand... besides, Buffy would kill me. Xander doesn't come across as a much better choice, he loves her but he doesn't have the patience and understanding to deal with something of this magnitude. Anya would be someone I could recruit, knowing that her background would allow her to understand what's going on better than any of the others... unfortunately I don't think she would be able to keep the secret, especially not from Xander so I reluctantly rule her out. Willow I'm still not sure about, she's grown a lot but still I don't think she can relate enough to know when not to push... and I'm somewhat worried that if I were to tell her the truth she could end up saying something that could hurt Buffy if she were to go into babble mode. Tara is the only one who sided with Spike on the Bronze issue and I think maybe she even has an instinctive inkling of what's going on. I am aware that she's a highly skilled natural empath so she seems like the most natural choice and I do know I can trust her... however I also know that, just as Anya would have a hard time keeping the truth from Xander, it won't be easy for Tara to keep it from Willow.  
  
I think maybe I can talk to Tara without going into too much detail, I can explain my concerns to her and trust her to know how to handle Willow. If I can get Willow and Tara to side with Spike that would lead to a tie the next time a similar situation arises... and such a tie would then probably be broken by Xander who still has a tendency to side with Willow, maintaining a dynamic I suspect has been in place since they were five.


	18. Recruiting

Recruiting  
  
"Tara, could I speak to you a moment?" I ask her taking advantage of the fact that for once we are alone.  
  
"S-sure... is this about the Bronze?"  
  
"I'm afraid so. I need to be sure something like that won't happen again. I know you agreed with Spike that it was a bad idea and I'm grateful for that but the truth is that I'm not sure what to do. There are things you don't understand, things I can't explain because it's not my place to do so but that you should know nonetheless."  
  
"I-I knew she was afraid, even before we got there... I kept hoping she would say something but she didn't."  
  
"She couldn't." I say.  
  
"S-she was t-trained to obey?" asks Tara and I'm surprised by the directness of her question. I had expected her to be more aware of what's been going on with Buffy than the others but I wasn't expecting anything like this. My shock must be clearly visible on my face because she goes on.  
  
"You m-met my f-father... and m-my b-brother when they came to g-get me last year. I k-know it's n-nothing compared to what she m-must have gone through but l-let's just say that after my m-mother died I l-learned pretty quickly that saying 'n-no' was n-not an option. T-the only r-reason I was able to b-break free, to g-get away, was b-because I won a scholarship and a t-teacher had t-taken an i-interest in me. They didn't want p-people to get s-suspicious of what was g-going on at home and r-refusing to let me go w-would have drawn to much a-attention to them."  
  
"I had no idea." I say, disturbed not only by the implications of what she's saying but also by how much worse her stutter got when she said it. I hadn't really wanted to think about it when her family showed up, now I realize that maybe I should have.  
  
"I-it's okay, it's over and I r-really don't like to t-talk about it but I t-thought you should know."  
  
"Yes, she was trained to obey, so when they suggested going to the Bronze she had no choice but to go along, even if she really didn't want to go." I say, I want to reassure Tara but I don't know how to do it so I try to distract her by bringing the focus back to Buffy, hoping that it will help.  
  
"A-and Spike knows about this?" She asks.  
  
"Yes, Angel was in hell too so he's the one who understands the most about what she's been through and Spike's been mediating between us."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why what?" I don't understand the question.  
  
"W-why do you need a mediator? I-is it because of Buffy's fear? W-we all saw how she reacted when h-he came to visit."  
  
"Yes, Angel can't come near Buffy without triggering that fear so, Spike." I explain.  
  
"B-but what can we do? I m-mean, next time it happens we will be in the s-same spot we were before. I-I can side with Spike, but Dawn, Willow, Anya and Xander will just o-outvote us again."  
  
"That's where you come in. I wanted to ask for your help to talk to Willow in order to get her to side with the two of you the next time another such idea comes up... and maybe give you a few pointers to keep it from happening in the first place."  
  
"I-I can talk to Willow but I don't see how it can be p-prevented."  
  
"You can prevent it by twisting the situation around," I explain, "by asking Buffy to tell you where she wants to go instead of asking her if she agrees with what you have planned. If you ask her where does she want to go in general terms obedience ceases to be an option, unlike what would happen if you were to ask her specifically if she wants to go to a certain place... and I also wanted to warn you that no matter what you do, you **_should not_** give her two options and ask her to make a choice."  
  
"T-that won't work," she says and in a way I'm glad to hear her contradicting me so openly, even if she's stuttering once again... somehow it gives me hope, "n-not without coming clean to e-everyone. I-I can side with Spike and I may be able to talk Willow into a-agreeing with us as you s-suggested, b-but there's no w-way we can p-prevent the others from making s-suggestions if they don't k-know what's g-going on and you've m-made it p-pretty c-clear that y-you don't want me to t-tell them."  
  
"I see your point. Unfortunately Buffy doesn't want any of you to know and you are correct in assuming that I don't want to betray her trust."  
  
"A-and that's why you are trying t-to get me to agree while telling me the l-least you can."  
  
"Is it that obvious?"  
  
"Considering you haven't t-told me a-anything, I-I guess so. B-but I understand and I th-think you should respect her wishes."  
  
"It's not that she doesn't trust you."  
  
"W-we know that."  
  
"We?" That was certainly not the pronoun I was expecting to hear.  
  
"Y-yes, we. W-we may not know exactly what's wrong, w-we may make mistakes, b-but we are not completely blind either. W-we saw how she r-reacted to A-angel's p-presence. W-willow and I were there w-when you took her to the b-beach s-shortly after her r-return, we k-know there was a reason why you wanted us to m-move --even if we are s-still not sure what that reason was... and we k-know there was more to her recent 'i-illness' than a l-little v-virus."  
  
"And you've talked about it amongst yourselves?" I ask realizing I may have seriously underestimated Buffy's friends. In my mind I still see them as children, it's only when something like this comes up that I become momentarily aware of just how mistaken that assumption really is.  
  
"A little. More w-with Willow than with Xander and Anya... and we've t-tried to keep D-dawn out of it as much as possible, t-though we have also tried to k-keep her out of your hair as much as we could." Tara explains.  
  
"I thought Spike was on Dawn duty."  
  
"He h-has been for the most part, but he has also taken on p-patrolling and he can't take her along then, b-besides he sleeps during the d-day."  
  
"Why didn't you say anything?"  
  
"F-for the same reason you d-didn't. We were trying to respect Buffy's p-privacy as much as we c-could and we were t-trying to give you the s-space you needed in order to h-help her."  
  
"But if you knew what was wrong why take her to the Bronze in the first place?"  
  
"B-because we knew there was s-something wrong but we had no way of k-knowing exactly **_w-what_** was wrong. If we had we would have b-been able t-to interpret her silence better... besides it was D-dawn's idea and we didn't have a c-clue as to how to handle her with B-buffy standing there. D-dawn wanted to go, S-spike tried to talk us o-out of it but you know X-xander, there's n-nothing that can convince him that s-something is a good or bad idea faster than S-spike insisting on doing the opposite. Anya jumped on board right away and B-buffy d-didn't say anything so W-willow had no r-real r-reason to oppose. As s-soon as we r-realized that B-buffy wasn't d-dealing well with the s-situation we c-came b-back."  
  
"Oh," I say, somewhat ashamed of myself. I was so angry when they brought a badly shaken Buffy back home after only a few minutes that I didn't even stop to think about what did the fact that they had actually brought her back mean.  
  
--  
  
AN- I usually prefer to avoid Tara's stutter (especially in season 6) but it was relevant to the plot here so sorry about that. I know it makes reading a less than pleasant experience.


	19. Doubts

Doubts  
  
I'm sitting on the couch reading --waiting for Spike to come back from patrol-- when I feel more than hear Buffy come up to me so I make room for her to curl up in her usual spot by my side. She seems tense so I pull her close as I look up to the mirror across the room. Originally it was installed as a vampire detection system since it covers the front door, but now it also functions as an important tool whenever Buffy is feeling nervous as it allows me to see her face without having to put any distance between us. Right now I can see she has something that's bothering her but she can't bring herself to voice it. I've gotten used to having to start these conversations so I give her a few minutes to relax before asking her to tell me what's on her mind.  
  
"Am I still the slayer?" She asks catching me totally off guard.  
  
"Of course you are, where is this coming from?"  
  
"But I no longer patrol, Spike does... you don't trust me to be the slayer," she insists.  
  
"That's not true! Buffy, you've been through a lot and I just don't want to push you."  
  
"He said I was a disgrace, that I should never have been called, that I had to learn to..." she trails off, I can feel her shaking and it takes me almost a full minute to understand what she means.  
  
"It's not true, you have to know it's not true. You are one of the best slayers ever if not **_the_** best. Do you know how many slayers have lasted six years?"  
  
"But I died... twice! I didn't last six years, not really, I didn't even last one!"  
  
"You are still here and that's what matters."  
  
"I had a dream, you were killing me because I was a failure."  
  
"Last night?" I ask surprised and worried by the fact that I may have slept through it.  
  
"After the Master killed me," she explains, shaking her head, still reluctant to say the word 'no' out loud if she can help it.  
  
I am struggling to add this new piece of information to everything else and it's not reassuring. It seems like that particular fear predates her latest death and the thing is that if even a small part of her had this fear that her whole calling was a mistake since before she jumped off that tower and the other me built on that bit of self-doubt then the lines between what's real and what's not may be even more blurred than I had originally thought. I haven't wanted her to go out on patrol because I want her to be safe, but if she's interpreting it as meaning I don't trust her as a slayer then we have a problem... or rather we have yet another problem.  
  
The truth is that a part of me doesn't think she's ready to patrol. She has been unable to train since she came back because her control just isn't there and it wouldn't be safe for those around her. I am also well aware that she may freeze at the wrong time... and while patrolling freezing at any time would be the wrong time. On the other hand I seem to have underestimated how important her role as a slayer is to her. I still have this image of a sixteen year old Buffy fighting her calling with all her might, craving a normal life, and so I chose to focus on Buffy --not the slayer-- but apparently that was a mistake. Somewhere along the line Buffy accepted her calling and now she feels like I'm trying to take that away from her.  
  
I want to ask her if she **_wants_** to patrol but I know that's one question I can't ask directly. I'm still avoiding questions that have a yes or no answer, knowing she will say yes regardless of what she truly wants so I have to find a way around it.  
  
"Can you tell me why you want to patrol?" I finally bring myself to ask.  
  
"I don't know how to explain it... I mean, it's like patrolling is a part of me and..." she trails off.  
  
Okay, I'll count that as a 'yes' --even if she's not sure of what to say-- but I'm still not convinced she's ready. One thing is for sure, she's not going out there alone, not yet, not for a while.  
  
"I'll talk to Spike and tomorrow night we'll go out with him." I tell her. I'm careful not to phrase it as a question but I feel her nodding against my chest anyway as she relaxes a little and I do the same as I realize that it was the right thing to say.


	20. Vampires

Vampires  
  
I pity the vampire that runs into us tonight. Buffy is barely hanging in there emotionally, I can almost taste the tension rolling off of her and Spike and I are both in overprotective mode, ready to take out anything that causes her to even break a nail. She may need to do this but I don't have to be happy about it. Simply put I'm not sure she's ready but I can't hold her back. The good news is that I doubt anything but the youngest of fledges is going to be stupid enough to confront us and we are most definitely not going to go looking for trouble. There will be a quick sweep across a couple of cemeteries and then we are taking her home, whether she likes it or not. This is her first night out here in a very long time and we are playing it safe. This is about seeing how she handles herself, not about saving the world and both Spike and I know it.  
  
Over the past few months I've grudgingly developed a new respect for the vampire. He's been here and he's been helpful... he's also been the only one I could turn to for the most part and he never let me down. I have to admit that at first I had my doubts about him. I had a hard time seeing him as anything but a demon but that has changed and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Yes, he's a demon but as I got to know him I also got to see glimpses of the man he once was and I'm not sure that seeing vampires as anything but demons is a good thing in this line of work. For the time being I've settled for telling myself that Spike is different in that regard --and there was ample evidence to support that theory even before he got his chip-- but the truth is that I don't know whether or not that's really true.  
  
We've worked together to help Buffy heal and more than once he's kept me from despairing. Whenever I feared that Buffy might be slipping, or simply when I felt she wasn't getting better fast enough he reminded me of just how far she had come. He took over patrolling when I asked him to and he took over Dawn's care without even being asked... or rather he never relinquished that role, he had been taking care of her while Buffy was dead too. I hate to say it but I think his experience in caring for Drucilla has come in handy. Come to think of it that seems to be the common theme throughout Spike's unlife... caring. I would have expected it to be blood and mayhem but it isn't, not really. Sure, he was part of the Scourge of Europe but in spite of his viciousness he was just the tag along, caring for Dru, doing her bidding.  
  
I think Dru was the one thing from his background I had always failed to consider. For over a century he cared for her and even though Buffy miraculously managed to hold on to this side of sanity through out her ordeal, Spike's experience in dealing with his insane Sire has been invaluable. He provided me with a familiar reference, something I could compare Buffy's progress to. Angel's experiences in Hell may have provided us with some valuable insight as to how Hell operated but I now realize it didn't tell us much about how to help her. I think it took me this long to recognize just how valuable Spike's input really was because it was always mixed with Angel's. Spike was our mediator as I stayed close to Buffy and Angel couldn't come near her, but Spike also managed to add his own advice without me noticing it.   
  
I hate to think that I've been behaving like Xander but in a sense I have. A few days ago Xander insisted on going to the Bronze because Spike said he didn't think it was a good idea and the results were disastrous. I may be able to take comfort in the knowledge that I never did anything as stupid as that --that I never dismissed the advice because of the messenger-- but I have to admit that I've been less than willing to listen to what those around me had to say. Spike has been helping as much as he could without me knowing about it and in their own way Willow and Tara have been doing the same thing all along. I took over Buffy's care in part because she is **_my_** slayer and I love her, in part because it felt natural, and maybe even part of it was because of the way she clung to me for reassurance. Even though I've known better almost from the start, in my mind her clinging to me remained a reassuring sign of her trust in me rather than the sign of terror it truly was... at least in the beginning. I believe that by now she's finally growing to trust me again.  
  
The thing is that in taking over Buffy's care I denied what others had to contribute... and that includes the contribution of the 'Slayer of Slayers' who now walks the streets of Sunnydale, willingly watching a slayer's back. We both know that tonight is going to be hard on Buffy but we also know we need to see how she handles herself, so we watch and we wait while we both do our best to keep her safe.


	21. Slaying

Slaying  
  
Buffy is exhausted though I think it's more emotional than physical and I'm not surprised by that. We ran into two fledglings tonight and she managed to dust them both but it was not her usual fighting style... there was clearly more desperation than skill in her movements and no one would have called it _dancing_, but fortunately she managed to pull it off. She was terrified, as I suspected she might be, but at least she didn't freeze and in the end she did do it on her own, Spike and I didn't have to do anything but watch her back.  
  
I think it's time for us to start going on patrol with Spike once or twice a week for a couple of hours. I am aware that it's going to take a very long time for Buffy to get back to a place where she can take over most of her old responsibilities and I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable letting her go out there alone again but I do know that right now she needs to do this. She has reached a point where I think she's finally looking forward to trying new things and that in itself is a double edged sword.  
  
For the most part I think I can let her take the lead. I believe I can trust her to let me know how much she feels she can handle but I am also aware that there are some limits to what she can do and how often she can go out there and I don't know how to set those limits without hurting her, without causing her to doubt herself more than she already does. The thing is that the limit of once or twice a week for no more than a couple of hours at a time is not just for her benefit but also a matter of need.   
  
I realize that at least at first her patrols are going to be mostly about helping Buffy regain her confidence when it comes to slaying, but the fact remains that we are still on top of a hellmouth and while Buffy is incapacitated Spike has been acting as its guardian... and unfortunately that also means he can't afford to spend too much time babysitting Buffy on patrol. And that brings me back to my original problem: how can I help Buffy regain her confidence while telling her that I don't think she's ready to take over just yet?  
  
I know that in a twisted way I've been lucky so far. For the most part Buffy has been too scared to take on more than she can handle --which is a far cry from the way she used to be-- but from what I can see in her attitude now I can only hope that's finally about to change. She is still skittish but I am getting to see more and more glimpses of my determined slayer as time goes by. I hope it won't be too long before I find myself once again trying to keep her from taking too many chances instead of trying to encourage her to move forward. While she is still nervous --unsure of herself and the world around her-- and she still needs to be reassured often, she's starting to try and fight her fears more actively... at least as long as I'm around. She's still reluctant to try new things when it's just her and the Scoobies, and she still won't even consider the possibility of setting foot outside this house on her own. The good news is that at least her friends finally seem to have understood that they can't push too hard and they are actively keeping Dawn under control when they go out with Buffy and that has made things easier for me. There are places where it is more natural for her to go with Willow and Tara than with me, places where my presence would be unnatural and she is finally beginning to reclaim them as her own... in fact she actually seemed to be almost excited when Tara suggested that maybe it would be a good idea for Buffy to sit in in an art history class with her.  
  
I know that hoping that she will eventually be able to go back to school as a regular student may be a bit much, but I also know that resuming her education is something she should probably try to do sooner or later, so that when she's ready to lead a more normal life she'll be in a position to do so and she won't be reduced to flipping burgers... as it is she's already more than a year behind and I know the longer she waits the harder it will be for her to catch up. I may dislike computers but seeing how much time Buffy spends here at home --and how painful it still is for her to go out-- maybe I should consider the possibility of asking Willow to look into some distance learning options for her. That would at least enable her to further her education without adding any more stress to her life and it will give her something to do while she's home.  
  
Tonight's patrol may have been all the evidence I needed to convince myself of the fact that Buffy is ready to take the first steps toward becoming the slayer again, but I am all too aware of how hard she fought to be allowed to be more than just the slayer. At first I struggled with her need to remain 'just another girl', now I know better.


	22. Sleeping

Sleeping  
  
It's strange, sort of. For all her progress in virtually every other aspect of her life there remains one area in which Buffy has made no progress whatsoever: sleep. In the beginning I thought it was only a matter of time before she would overcome that problem, in fact I even believed it would be one of the first obstacles she would conquer, instead it remains unchallenged even now. Even after all this time she still cannot sleep alone and I'm beginning to fear that may be the one thing she will never overcome.  
  
To this day I'm still sleeping with her and I've reached a point where it almost feels natural for me to do so. I'm not even trying to encourage her to sleep alone any more, I haven't for a while, not since I realized that all I was doing was encourage her to try to avoid sleep altogether and making matters worse for her. She still has nightmares almost every night, that hasn't changed, and I still find them as disturbing as ever but we never talk about them. I don't bring them up and I know she's relieved by that.  
  
I guess in a way this particular problem can be seen as being almost natural. In her waking hours she can remind herself that she's safe in countless little ways --whether she is aware of them or not-- in her sleep most of those reassurances are taken away from her as she loses all her conscious references and she finds herself back in Hell... and it is then that my heartbeat --and maybe my scent-- becomes once again her only lifeline, as it was shortly after her return.  
  
For my part I have to admit that I enjoy watching her sleep, having her next to me, feeling her alive and solid... real. While I still hate **_why_** she needs to have me there I do like being there. A couple of times I've actually feared that maybe it was I who needed that contact, that I was unconsciously holding her back but the rational part of my brain knows that's not really the case... her screams in those few instances in which she actually dozed off on the couch when she was on her own were confirmation enough, besides, having to calm down a disoriented slayer can be downright dangerous for those around her. No, it's safer for everyone that we sleep together.  
  
The thing is that ever since we moved here I haven't spent a single night in my own room, though I am always careful to leave no trace of my presence in Buffy's. I wonder what would Dawn's annoying case worker say if she knew where I spend my nights. I know there's nothing going on between us --not to mention the fact that Buffy's potential sex life is one bloody mess I don't have the first clue of how to untangle-- but I doubt we could convince her of that.   
  
The truth is that even though Buffy is doing so much better sometimes I'm still not sure how we'll get by with that nosy woman sniffing around for the next couple of years... as it is we've had a couple of close calls already, starting with our less than orthodox little family. Explaining my presence at first was easy enough, all it took were a couple of slight misrepresentations and suddenly I found myself painted in the role of Joyce's last boyfriend --not exactly a lie thanks to Ethan-- who had decided to honor her memory by staying involved in her daughters' lives. Spike was not so easy to explain and Willow and Tara were even more difficult.  
  
The constant threat of Family Services has been an issue ever since I came back. Buffy is in no shape to care for her sister but she would be devastated if Dawn were to be taken away from her. In a sense the fact that her father has shown no interest in his daughters' welfare since Joyce died has been a blessing... and sometimes I wonder whether or not his indifference has something to do with Dawn's true nature. I know Hank was never exactly father of the year material --he was absent from Buffy's life even before she turned eighteen and since long before Dawn came into the scene-- but I'm not convinced the monks that created Dawn didn't have something to do with his current attitude. If they were powerful enough to incorporate Dawn into our collective memories then maybe they did something to Hank too, something that destroyed his last emotional connection to his daughters or at least to Buffy. It would make sense if the Key needed protection for the monks to remove the most dangerous threat to their carefully constructed plan: the possibility that her 'father' could possibly gain custody of her and take her away from the slayer.  
  
I don't know if that's the case, I don't know if that's the true reason for Hank's indifference, but that rationalization is enough to keep me from tracking him down and wringing his neck so it will have to do... besides deep down I know that his absence has been a blessing in more ways than one. It's not just that it's enabled Buffy to keep her sister by her side, it's what I fear would happen if Hank were to walk in the door. Buffy was hurt mostly by those she trusted to keep her safe. She was hurt by Angel and by me --there's no question about that-- and I'm pretty sure that somewhere in her there still remained a little girl who trusted her daddy to keep her safe. She was betrayed by those she trusted and that brings me back to what I've been so desperately trying to avoid.  
  
I realize that my mind has been wondering all over the place for hours now as I watch Buffy sleep but I guess that's because I don't want to think of what we'll be doing in a couple of hours. As hard as it is for me to keep myself from holding Buffy back sometimes I have to admit that what she wants to try scares me. I can't help but fear that it is far too soon even though I know it's perfectly safe... or rather I know it's not physically dangerous. I don't think she's ready but I understand it is important for her to try it so I'll bite back my fears and hope that she'll make it through the experience unharmed.


	23. Visiting

Visiting  
  
I guess this is what people mean when they say that the tension in a room can be cut with a knife... not that I'm surprised by it. Even though we can all be described as friends this is far from a friendly gathering.  
  
Out of habit I almost made a serious mistake as soon as we arrived. I was waiting for Buffy to sit down before doing so myself. It's strange how even those small details have to be taken into account now. Waiting for Buffy to sit down first would have been the 'proper' thing to do, it was something that was drilled into me ever since I can remember but it would also have been wrong under the circumstances. In this particular instance it was important for Buffy to be able to set the distance between us and I knew it. She is sitting next to me but she's not touching me. I think she feels this is something she has to try and endure without any sort of reassurance, so I stay by her side, watching her, ready to offer my help if it's needed but I don't do anything, not yet.  
  
Watching her --watching them-- is strange and almost painful. I remember the closeness and the trust they used to share. That is gone now as she can barely stand to be in the same room with him and we all know he will never be able to rebuild that trust. It took me this long to regain it myself but I had a critical advantage: a heartbeat.  
  
I wonder who she sees when she looks at him... Angel or Angelus. What kind of memories are running through her head, how is she really doing. I can see she's scared and I can see she's trying to be brave but it is costing her dearly.  
  
I've also been observing Angel ever since we arrived. He's been careful not to touch her, not to make any sudden moves that may startle her or that she may perceive as threatening and the conversation between them has been extremely polite but so distant, so impersonal as to be almost painful. They are not exactly talking about the weather, but almost. I try to tell myself that this is not about them trying to rebuild their friendship but rather about Buffy trying to overcome her fears and yet there is a sense of finality to this meeting that none of us can deny. I'm surprised to discover that it saddens me.   
  
There was a time not so long ago when all I wanted was for Angel to disappear, to have nothing more to do with Buffy but now I have to admit that seeing him greeting Buffy without trying to hug her, kiss her or even shake her hand was disturbing. In a sense it made his loss more real than seeing her flinch away from him. At least we were lucky in that this happened now and not three years ago. Now it's painful but at least I can take some comfort in the knowledge that they had both already moved on from what they once had... a few years ago it would have been devastating for both of them.  
  
Oddly enough I think it would be possible for them to reestablish some sort of relationship --even if it is only long distance-- but I'm not sure that would be a good idea, at least not right now. It would be reasonably easy for Buffy to get reacquainted with Angel's voice via the telephone --as long as she remains in an environment where she feels safe-- and I have considered mentioning that option to both of them more than once but the truth is that I fear that could end up doing more harm than good. It would allow them to remain in touch but it could also prevent them from accepting the reality of the limitations that now mark their relationship and that is something they must come to terms with. It is true that because of who they are, of what they are, they are bound to have to collaborate with each other sometimes for as long as they live --and that is particularly true now that Buffy is taking the first steps toward reclaiming her role as the slayer-- but there will be no way for them to escape the ghost of what they once were.  
  
We stay for a couple of hours, trying to pretend everything is just fine, but eventually I realize that the stress is getting to Buffy and she is getting tired... unfortunately neither she nor Angel seem to know how to put an end to this. Finally I decide to take matters into my own hands and I tell Buffy we should be heading home.  
  
This encounter may have been necessary but the truth is that I'm just glad it's over.


	24. Milestones

Milestones  
  
I'm thinking back to the past six months and the truth is that I'm not sure whether they have gone by in the blink of an eye or if they have dragged on forever. Six months ago today I was arriving back in England only to receive a phone call from Willow a few hours later asking me to come home, telling me that Buffy was back. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement.  
  
Back then I didn't know what to expect, not even after seeing my slayer alive and breathing. It took me a while to even begin to comprehend what it really was that I was dealing with and to this day I still cannot believe my ignorance didn't cause any more damage back then. The truth is that these past six months have been a constant struggle and yet against all odds Buffy seems to have made it through them a lot better than I could have dared to hope. She still has a very long way to go before she gets anywhere near normal, I'm not going to fool myself by trying to deny it, but she is getting to a point where she can almost function on her own... and considering that just six months ago she was literally too scared to flinch away from me when I approached her, her progress has been nothing short of amazing.  
  
It is true that she's still reluctant to say 'no' but she is growing more comfortable every day when it comes to openly letting me know what she wants and while she won't say 'no' outright she is hesitating a lot longer before saying 'yes' against her will... and I've gotten better at interpreting those silences. She is also doing better in other areas. Her slaying may be nowhere near where it used to be but at least when we go out with Spike at night she's gotten to a point where she can actually help him and last week --with some help-- she managed to take down a minor demon during the day. As to her interaction with others, while she's still unable to go out alone --and I really don't know what it will take for her to overcome that fear-- at least now she can go out with Willow and Tara and actually enjoy herself... sometimes.  
  
There are other areas that still remain a problem, one of them being Dawn, but that has little to do with Buffy herself or with her time in Hell. Unfortunately Dawn is still having trouble accepting the changes in her sister. She knows Buffy was in Hell but I haven't been able to bring myself to explain to her exactly what that means, what her sister went through... and that's not the only problem. I know part of it is my fault. I keep expecting Dawn to be more mature than she is, than she should be.  
  
The truth is that --kicking and screaming-- when she was Dawn's age Buffy was saddled with the responsibility for keeping the world safe, so while I understand that because of her age Dawn is bound to be self-centered, I would have hoped that she would also have been mature enough to understand that right now Buffy has to take priority. Dawn may still be a child in the eyes of the law but she should also be old enough to realize that while she is the youngest sibling, right now her sister has to come first. Buffy died for her, she went to Hell for her, and yet Dawn seems to be unable to pull herself together enough to allow her sister to get the help she needs.  
  
I know my anger at Dawn is misplaced... at least some of it. A part of me has always blamed her for Buffy's death and her resurrection hasn't changed that. She is the Key, she is the one who was meant to die on that tower. I've tried to avoid thinking about that, I've given myself excuses, telling myself how much easier helping Buffy would have been if I didn't have to worry constantly about Dawn, her tantrums, her grades, her case worker and so on, but it is deeper than that. It's not just that helping Buffy would have been easier without Dawn being a constant distraction, it's that without Dawn we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I think I've managed to keep her from seeing that but I won't deny I'm extremely grateful for the fact that Spike, Willow and Tara have basically taken over her care.  
  
Of the whole lot Spike is the one who managed to surprise me the most over these past few months, maybe because I was expecting the least of him. I turned to him out of need, out of desperation. I accepted his help because I had no other choice. He was the only one who could mediate between Angel and myself in the early days, he was the only one who knew, who **_really_** knew, what Buffy had been through, he was the only one strong enough to take over Buffy's patrols... and he was the one whose presence seemed to disturb Buffy the least back when she was so scared that she hardly dared to breathe. As he pointed out in our first talk after Angel's fateful visit, he is probably the only one of us who was spared from playing any role at all in Buffy's time in Hell and that gave him a leeway around her no one else had... at least not back then.  
  
Luckily Buffy is doing a lot better now, and while I still worry about her the truth is that it is not so critical that we tiptoe around her any more. I no longer live in fear that saying the wrong word may cause her to panic, that asking her the wrong question may cause her to suffer a breakdown. Yes, there are questions she's still not ready to answer, things she's not ready to face, but she is finally well enough to actually start living again and that's more than I could have hoped for when I arrived in England six months ago today, when Buffy was yet to dig herself out of her own grave.  
  
It's been six month since Willow's spell, six months since Buffy came back and now I find myself with thirty five days to answer a question I never thought I would have to ask myself... not like this anyway. I have thirty five days to figure out what are we supposed to do to mark the first anniversary of Buffy's death.  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: Yes, that's it (at least for now). Because of its nature this story could have gone on pretty much forever however this seemed like a good place to end it, even if a couple of issues feel somewhat unresolved. I want to thank you for your support and encouragement, I know this was not a **_ nice_** story by any stretch of the imagination. As to my future plans first I want to finish "A Watcher's Son", I'm up to part 46 on that one by now (that one can be found at my site, in case anyone is interested... because of its structure it just didn't seem to work well with automated archives), then in a couple of weeks I will probably start posting a new fic called "Friends & Foes" which is kind of dark (no surprise there). As to the possibility of continuing with "Hell" I haven't ruled out the idea of writing a few companion pieces dealing with some moments of this story from different POVs, but those will probably be posted sporadically.


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